[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: What can kill marriage
1. Lack of Forgiveness
There is no marriage without issues. The success of your marriage depends on your ability to exercise forgiveness.
Learn to extend forgiveness because it’s critical to harmony. Instead of obsessing about how you’ve been wronged, treat your spouse how God treats you. “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Colossians 3:13)
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 2. Money/Mbesa/Mbecha/Pesa
This is one of the biggest killers of marriage...and this is what the Bible says:
“For the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves through with many griefs.” (1 Timothy 6:10)
"Financial pressures and very different or even opposing financial styles — spending versus saving, risk versus reward — can sabotage a marriage even more effectively than sexual issues or even fundamental differences such as whether to have children or not."
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 3. Infidelity
The grass looks green across the fence..this again is one of the biggest problems that we have as a people..there is so much infidelity even in the church. People are sleeping around left right and centre...and women and men are sleeping together even when they know they are married...the upsurge of mwk..mpango wa kando..side kicks or is it chick?
Lust always leads to infidelity of the heart, mind, and body. No sexual experience outside of marriage is okay. God will never lead you to fall in love with someone other than your spouse. “You shall not commit adultery.” (Exodus 20:14)
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 4. Insecurity and Worry
Take your eyes off the world and its illusion of happiness; you will never find peace from anyone or anything the world offers you. Trust in the Lord. “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow.” (Matthew 6:32-33)
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 5. Secret Sins
If you hide a sinful fantasy or habit, it will grow stronger; pretending something doesn’t exist or isn’t wrong gives it greater power over your life. “You have set our iniquities before you, our secret sins in the light of your presence.” (Psalm 90:8)
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 8. Selfishness
We all look out for ourselves, especially when someone challenges our desires. Begin considering your spouse’s perspective first; winning an argument only weakens your marriage. “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility, value others above yourselves.” (Philippians 2:23)
There is therefore need for some compromise..."One of the most overlooked reasons why marriages fail is how people define compromise. While compromise is considered to be the cornerstone of any relationship, most people assume that means that some of the time, each partner gets what they want. Actually, the true definition of compromise in the context of marriage is that neither party gets what they really want. Marriage is tough. You have to be …
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: [19/05 20:13] Kyalo: 6. Children
The presence or lack of children has made marriages collapse. It is your responsibility never to allow anything to break your covenant.
The Bible is the best parenting source available; seek to follow Christ and point your kids toward Christ, and parenting details will fall into place. “Do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4)
[19/05 20:14] Kyalo: 7. Interference from Others
A marriage with more than one person is a crowd...it is this crowd that keeps interfering with marriages and causing rifts between couples.
Dysfunctional or controlling relatives and friends will put tremendous pressure on your family unit; seek God’s wisdom and perspective about h…
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 9. Entitlement Mentality
Self-pity, disillusionment, and frustration come from an “I-deserve-this” attitude. Watch for these feelings—the core problem is self-worship. “You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.” (James 4:2-3)
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 10. Spiritual and Emotional Immaturity
Maturity takes a lifetime, so give your spouse room to grow without ridiculing or reprimanding for him/her for immaturity. Surround your marriage with godly, mature role models. “I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me in Christ Jesus. All of us who are mature should take such a view of things.”(Philippians 3:14-15)
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 11. Grief and Depression
Lack of support during such moments leads to collapse of marriages...Everyone goes through periods of grief and sadness; be supportive and understanding when your spouse is sad, by gently guiding him/her toward help. “Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief.” (Psalm 31:9)
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 12. Greed
This is one major factor driving corruption in our country...and it kills marriages too
You were created to be satisfied only in God’s presence. Don’t feed grief because the things you want will not satisfy you. “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to one and despise the other.” (Luke 16:13)
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 13. Shame
Some spouses keep rubbing it in...to hurt you.
God’s Spirit convicts us when we sin; He doesn’t shame us for our mistakes. Embrace that fact that Jesus’ grace will set you free from the shame you feel. “I live in disgrace all day long and my face is covered with shame.” (Psalm 44:15)
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 14. Anger
I am aware of some of us who walked out of good marriages coz you could not manage or control your anger.
If you have a short fuse, you need to find out why and stop making excuses. Get help to overcome this destructive and addictive habit. “Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice.” (Ephesians 4:31)
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 15. Dishonesty
Some marriages were founded on deceit from the beginning. Never lie, mislead, or deceive your spouse; don’t keep secrets because it will drive a wedge between you. Plus, one falsehood always births another one. “Do not lie to each other.” (Colossians 3:9)
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 16. Worldliness/Ungodliness
When your hearts pines for recognition, wealth, and beauty, you will believe that your worth is attached to who you are and what you do; and the more you doubt your worth, the more you will find your spouse to be unsatisfactory. “Teaching us, that denying all ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly in this present world.” (Titus 2:12)
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 18. Past Disappointments
Some spouses do not have capacity to take in disappointments and opt to walk out.
“Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.” (Psalm 42:5)
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 19. Different Priorities/Value System
A marriage founded on different belief and value systems is likely to collapse.
“How can a young person stay on a path to purity? By living according to your word? I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands.” (Psalm 119:10-11)
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 20. Self-image/Low Self-Esteem
This again is very common..and people who suffer from this cannot sustain a marriage.
If you suffer from low self-esteem, the solution is not to love yourself more—it’s to love God and thank Him for His ongoing work in your life. Let God transform you into His image; embrace your process, instead of comparing yourself to others. “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” (Psalm 139:14)
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 21. The internet:
"There are many ways to cheat using the internet. One example I call cyber-straying involves covertly looking up old flames and high school sweethearts, despite being (supposedly happily) married to someone else. Curiosity compromises trust, and secrets are relationship saboteurs.The key to resisting temptation is to avoid it. Use Facebook to keep up with family and close friends, not shadow your high school flame. And reflect your marital status in your social media profiles to avoid old flames reaching out to you."
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 22. Lost attraction/Attactiveness:
"No amount of counseling or talking through a problem is going to fix broken attraction. If one or both partners gains a lot of weight, loses passion, or changes significantly in some way, it is going to impact the romantic connection, turning marriage into a roommate or friendship situation. This leads to romantic temptations that often end marriages. I believe this is one of the main issues couples face but nobody wants to discuss, because it seems 'shallow' to suggest physical attraction and romantic chemistry might be important even after years of marriage, and many therapists themselves are in 'dead bedroom' scenarios and don't know how to adequately help couples."
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 23. Lack of Manners:
Or lack of it...has caused many marriages to die. We have spouses who are just too mannerless...
Even when things get tense, frustrating, or busy, I cannot stress enough how important it is to be polite and courteous toward your spouse. This is the person you are sharing your home, finances, and life with, yet people continue to treat their co-workers and friends with more decency than they do the person they marry. A simple 'please' or 'thank you' really can go a long way, and is one of the easiest things to do.
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 24. Financial Infidelity:
I had talked about finances...but this one is similar but slightly different. You hide stuff from your spouse..lie on expenditures, hide money in secret bank accounts and always pretend to be broke.
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 25. Failing to Seek Therapy
You go venting to friends and family instead of a Therapist: "When we're upset with our partner, it's all to easy to call a friend or family member to vent. Don't do it! Your friends and family will often take your side and in the end look at your partner in a negative light. They may not hear the whole story, just your perspective, and give you advice that negatively affects your relationship. Set boundaries with others, including friends, in-laws, and children. Don't share personal details of your relationship, such as fights or your sex life, with others s. If you feel the need to speak with someone about your issues, seek out a therapist. Therapist are neutral parties who will not take sides."
That is why we have madam @Grace Kariuki here...to help walk with you when you need therapy
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 26. Differing Love Languages:
I guess many of us have read Dr. Gary Chapman's book: The 5 Love Languages... to help couples learn and speak the language of their spouse. We all have a predominant love language: quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, physical touch, or gift giving. When someone speaks our language, we feel loved. Some marriages have dies coz you have differing love languages...like Greek and Kamba😅
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 27. Marriage Focused on Wedding:
Too much focus on the wedding at the expense of the marriage kills marriages. Too many couples spend their time planning a wedding and not planning their marriage. They don't invest enough time talking about their expectations for the future. They don't discuss important issues like budgeting, family boundaries, children, and priorities. Instead, they spend their time talking about wedding favors, caterers, and guest lists. If people invested more time into planning their future together as a couple, they could address their expectations and adjust their plans to meet one another's needs.
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 28. You married for the wrong reasons:
Marrying for the wrong reasons, like for the money or settling to not be alone, leads to an unstable foundation. At some point, the couple will realize they aren't compatible or one might start to love themselves more and want to be with someone who fulfills their needs as they start to value themselves.
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 29. No Chemistry/Compatibility:
You did not share basic core beliefs, values, and agendas. Chemistry is what sweeps people off their feet in the beginning, but you need to be compatible with one another if you're going to make it over the long haul.
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 30. Untreated Mental Illness:
This includes someone who is depressed, anxious, schizophrenic, or bipolar.... it is extremely difficult to maintain a relationship because the individual's emotions can be random. It can be a great strain on a person without the mental illness to accommodate that in their partner.
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 31. Mediocre/Bad Sex/Too Much Sex:
You got married expecting sex 24/7...great sex...and then you were met with the 1 second episodes. We cannot underestimate the power and importance of sex. It is the glue that sticks couples together. Some marriages have died due to sex related issues.
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 32. No Courtship:
After taking each other home, the chase stops and esp the wife feels neglected. Marriage becomes so manual. Manual marriages can survive but through kuvumilia...forbearance. When life gets busy, it's easy to lose sight of each other and forget about scheduling date night and time together. All intimate relationships need periodic and regular tune-in time to talk and reconnect.
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 33. One Sided Growth:
Some people have outgrown their spouses and chose to walk out instead of helping each other to grow - academically, careerwise etc.
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 35. All Destructive Hobby:
These hobbies can be soccer, politics, dancing, hanging out with buddies or golf. By the time s/he came back there was no marriage.
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 34. Careers Come First:
Couples are too busy to in their offices and missing in each other's lives. Couples often invest all of their time into their careers while neglecting their relationship with their partner. When this happens, resentment begins to build within one or both partners. Most couples don't have the tools needed to work through these resentments, which often lead to feeling disconnected and detached. This disconnection due to not keeping the relationship a priority will quickly lead to marriage failure.
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 36. Big Life Change:
Crises of any kind — death of a loved one, loss of a job, illness, moving, natural disasters, etc. — are emotionally stressful situations and can add strain to or even end a marriage. Ideally, these situations would find a couple drawing closer, becoming supportive and comforting each other, but too often the opposite occurs. The couple grows apart in their grief and depression.
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 37. Prioritizing Kids Over Spouse:
You are aware that some marriages went south coz esp mothers focus on the kids and neglect their spouses...
A couple's inability to switch from 'parent' mode to 'couple' mode after kids are born can damage the relationship. When a couple has children, usually the first thing to go is together time. Most parents expend the majority of their energy on the kids, work and home, leaving little time and interest in their spouse. This lack of interest often leads to alienation and can leave one or both spouses feeling alone. Feelings of loneliness and inattentiveness can lead to infidelity, depression and/or frustration causing a demise in the relationship.
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 39. Attitude Over Gratitude:
We know that your attitude determines your altitude. When we feel valued in a relationship, we don't tend to leave. Simple words, like 'thank you,' can have a powerful effect in making a person feel appreciated for his/her unique strengths, talents, and values.
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 40. You Got married too young:
Some people got married to run away from something and had no idea what they were getting themselves into coz of age. By the time you came to terms with what marriage entails you were already a wife but could not take it any more...age here is relative
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 41. Unrealistic Expectations:
People enter relationships with preset beliefs about how they expect their relationship to be. Often, these expectations come from the models they saw in their family of origin or from previous relationships. When expectations are not communicated and therefore not met, huge disappointment can result. Often the person, feeling sad and disappointed, will convey those feelings through passive aggressive behavior which leads to resentment.
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 42. Unresolved Childhood Issues:
We offload our childhood baggage to your spouse and blame him or her for your issues. Understanding your own and your partner's past and how it plays a role can help resolve issues.
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 43. Culture of Instant Gratification:
We live in an on-demand culture that teaches us we should get what we want immediately. In a marriage, this often manifests as each partner putting way more emphasis on their own needs versus the needs of the other. However, if you focus on putting your partner's needs first, you're in a better position to get your needs met (unless you are married to a narcissist).
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 44. Contract Not Covenant:
Marriage is often seen as a contract rather than a covenant. Because of this, people leave out of their own displeasure too early, opting out the way they would out of a business arrangement. A covenant, however, implies a different value set, and a key to keeping marriages intact is to recognize the higher importance of their marriage covenant.
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 45. Fear of Pain:
Marriages are at times full of pain and there are people who walk out once they experience some form of pain..not the pain of abuse etc...just the normal challenges.
1. Lack of Forgiveness
There is no marriage without issues. The success of your marriage depends on your ability to exercise forgiveness.
Learn to extend forgiveness because it’s critical to harmony. Instead of obsessing about how you’ve been wronged, treat your spouse how God treats you. “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Colossians 3:13)
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 2. Money/Mbesa/Mbecha/Pesa
This is one of the biggest killers of marriage...and this is what the Bible says:
“For the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves through with many griefs.” (1 Timothy 6:10)
"Financial pressures and very different or even opposing financial styles — spending versus saving, risk versus reward — can sabotage a marriage even more effectively than sexual issues or even fundamental differences such as whether to have children or not."
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 3. Infidelity
The grass looks green across the fence..this again is one of the biggest problems that we have as a people..there is so much infidelity even in the church. People are sleeping around left right and centre...and women and men are sleeping together even when they know they are married...the upsurge of mwk..mpango wa kando..side kicks or is it chick?
Lust always leads to infidelity of the heart, mind, and body. No sexual experience outside of marriage is okay. God will never lead you to fall in love with someone other than your spouse. “You shall not commit adultery.” (Exodus 20:14)
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 4. Insecurity and Worry
Take your eyes off the world and its illusion of happiness; you will never find peace from anyone or anything the world offers you. Trust in the Lord. “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow.” (Matthew 6:32-33)
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 5. Secret Sins
If you hide a sinful fantasy or habit, it will grow stronger; pretending something doesn’t exist or isn’t wrong gives it greater power over your life. “You have set our iniquities before you, our secret sins in the light of your presence.” (Psalm 90:8)
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 8. Selfishness
We all look out for ourselves, especially when someone challenges our desires. Begin considering your spouse’s perspective first; winning an argument only weakens your marriage. “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility, value others above yourselves.” (Philippians 2:23)
There is therefore need for some compromise..."One of the most overlooked reasons why marriages fail is how people define compromise. While compromise is considered to be the cornerstone of any relationship, most people assume that means that some of the time, each partner gets what they want. Actually, the true definition of compromise in the context of marriage is that neither party gets what they really want. Marriage is tough. You have to be …
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: [19/05 20:13] Kyalo: 6. Children
The presence or lack of children has made marriages collapse. It is your responsibility never to allow anything to break your covenant.
The Bible is the best parenting source available; seek to follow Christ and point your kids toward Christ, and parenting details will fall into place. “Do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4)
[19/05 20:14] Kyalo: 7. Interference from Others
A marriage with more than one person is a crowd...it is this crowd that keeps interfering with marriages and causing rifts between couples.
Dysfunctional or controlling relatives and friends will put tremendous pressure on your family unit; seek God’s wisdom and perspective about h…
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 9. Entitlement Mentality
Self-pity, disillusionment, and frustration come from an “I-deserve-this” attitude. Watch for these feelings—the core problem is self-worship. “You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.” (James 4:2-3)
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 10. Spiritual and Emotional Immaturity
Maturity takes a lifetime, so give your spouse room to grow without ridiculing or reprimanding for him/her for immaturity. Surround your marriage with godly, mature role models. “I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me in Christ Jesus. All of us who are mature should take such a view of things.”(Philippians 3:14-15)
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 11. Grief and Depression
Lack of support during such moments leads to collapse of marriages...Everyone goes through periods of grief and sadness; be supportive and understanding when your spouse is sad, by gently guiding him/her toward help. “Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief.” (Psalm 31:9)
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 12. Greed
This is one major factor driving corruption in our country...and it kills marriages too
You were created to be satisfied only in God’s presence. Don’t feed grief because the things you want will not satisfy you. “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to one and despise the other.” (Luke 16:13)
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 13. Shame
Some spouses keep rubbing it in...to hurt you.
God’s Spirit convicts us when we sin; He doesn’t shame us for our mistakes. Embrace that fact that Jesus’ grace will set you free from the shame you feel. “I live in disgrace all day long and my face is covered with shame.” (Psalm 44:15)
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 14. Anger
I am aware of some of us who walked out of good marriages coz you could not manage or control your anger.
If you have a short fuse, you need to find out why and stop making excuses. Get help to overcome this destructive and addictive habit. “Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice.” (Ephesians 4:31)
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 15. Dishonesty
Some marriages were founded on deceit from the beginning. Never lie, mislead, or deceive your spouse; don’t keep secrets because it will drive a wedge between you. Plus, one falsehood always births another one. “Do not lie to each other.” (Colossians 3:9)
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 16. Worldliness/Ungodliness
When your hearts pines for recognition, wealth, and beauty, you will believe that your worth is attached to who you are and what you do; and the more you doubt your worth, the more you will find your spouse to be unsatisfactory. “Teaching us, that denying all ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly in this present world.” (Titus 2:12)
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 18. Past Disappointments
Some spouses do not have capacity to take in disappointments and opt to walk out.
“Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.” (Psalm 42:5)
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 19. Different Priorities/Value System
A marriage founded on different belief and value systems is likely to collapse.
“How can a young person stay on a path to purity? By living according to your word? I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands.” (Psalm 119:10-11)
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 20. Self-image/Low Self-Esteem
This again is very common..and people who suffer from this cannot sustain a marriage.
If you suffer from low self-esteem, the solution is not to love yourself more—it’s to love God and thank Him for His ongoing work in your life. Let God transform you into His image; embrace your process, instead of comparing yourself to others. “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” (Psalm 139:14)
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 21. The internet:
"There are many ways to cheat using the internet. One example I call cyber-straying involves covertly looking up old flames and high school sweethearts, despite being (supposedly happily) married to someone else. Curiosity compromises trust, and secrets are relationship saboteurs.The key to resisting temptation is to avoid it. Use Facebook to keep up with family and close friends, not shadow your high school flame. And reflect your marital status in your social media profiles to avoid old flames reaching out to you."
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 22. Lost attraction/Attactiveness:
"No amount of counseling or talking through a problem is going to fix broken attraction. If one or both partners gains a lot of weight, loses passion, or changes significantly in some way, it is going to impact the romantic connection, turning marriage into a roommate or friendship situation. This leads to romantic temptations that often end marriages. I believe this is one of the main issues couples face but nobody wants to discuss, because it seems 'shallow' to suggest physical attraction and romantic chemistry might be important even after years of marriage, and many therapists themselves are in 'dead bedroom' scenarios and don't know how to adequately help couples."
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 23. Lack of Manners:
Or lack of it...has caused many marriages to die. We have spouses who are just too mannerless...
Even when things get tense, frustrating, or busy, I cannot stress enough how important it is to be polite and courteous toward your spouse. This is the person you are sharing your home, finances, and life with, yet people continue to treat their co-workers and friends with more decency than they do the person they marry. A simple 'please' or 'thank you' really can go a long way, and is one of the easiest things to do.
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 24. Financial Infidelity:
I had talked about finances...but this one is similar but slightly different. You hide stuff from your spouse..lie on expenditures, hide money in secret bank accounts and always pretend to be broke.
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 25. Failing to Seek Therapy
You go venting to friends and family instead of a Therapist: "When we're upset with our partner, it's all to easy to call a friend or family member to vent. Don't do it! Your friends and family will often take your side and in the end look at your partner in a negative light. They may not hear the whole story, just your perspective, and give you advice that negatively affects your relationship. Set boundaries with others, including friends, in-laws, and children. Don't share personal details of your relationship, such as fights or your sex life, with others s. If you feel the need to speak with someone about your issues, seek out a therapist. Therapist are neutral parties who will not take sides."
That is why we have madam @Grace Kariuki here...to help walk with you when you need therapy
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 26. Differing Love Languages:
I guess many of us have read Dr. Gary Chapman's book: The 5 Love Languages... to help couples learn and speak the language of their spouse. We all have a predominant love language: quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, physical touch, or gift giving. When someone speaks our language, we feel loved. Some marriages have dies coz you have differing love languages...like Greek and Kamba😅
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 27. Marriage Focused on Wedding:
Too much focus on the wedding at the expense of the marriage kills marriages. Too many couples spend their time planning a wedding and not planning their marriage. They don't invest enough time talking about their expectations for the future. They don't discuss important issues like budgeting, family boundaries, children, and priorities. Instead, they spend their time talking about wedding favors, caterers, and guest lists. If people invested more time into planning their future together as a couple, they could address their expectations and adjust their plans to meet one another's needs.
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 28. You married for the wrong reasons:
Marrying for the wrong reasons, like for the money or settling to not be alone, leads to an unstable foundation. At some point, the couple will realize they aren't compatible or one might start to love themselves more and want to be with someone who fulfills their needs as they start to value themselves.
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 29. No Chemistry/Compatibility:
You did not share basic core beliefs, values, and agendas. Chemistry is what sweeps people off their feet in the beginning, but you need to be compatible with one another if you're going to make it over the long haul.
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 30. Untreated Mental Illness:
This includes someone who is depressed, anxious, schizophrenic, or bipolar.... it is extremely difficult to maintain a relationship because the individual's emotions can be random. It can be a great strain on a person without the mental illness to accommodate that in their partner.
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 31. Mediocre/Bad Sex/Too Much Sex:
You got married expecting sex 24/7...great sex...and then you were met with the 1 second episodes. We cannot underestimate the power and importance of sex. It is the glue that sticks couples together. Some marriages have died due to sex related issues.
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 32. No Courtship:
After taking each other home, the chase stops and esp the wife feels neglected. Marriage becomes so manual. Manual marriages can survive but through kuvumilia...forbearance. When life gets busy, it's easy to lose sight of each other and forget about scheduling date night and time together. All intimate relationships need periodic and regular tune-in time to talk and reconnect.
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 33. One Sided Growth:
Some people have outgrown their spouses and chose to walk out instead of helping each other to grow - academically, careerwise etc.
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 35. All Destructive Hobby:
These hobbies can be soccer, politics, dancing, hanging out with buddies or golf. By the time s/he came back there was no marriage.
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 34. Careers Come First:
Couples are too busy to in their offices and missing in each other's lives. Couples often invest all of their time into their careers while neglecting their relationship with their partner. When this happens, resentment begins to build within one or both partners. Most couples don't have the tools needed to work through these resentments, which often lead to feeling disconnected and detached. This disconnection due to not keeping the relationship a priority will quickly lead to marriage failure.
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 36. Big Life Change:
Crises of any kind — death of a loved one, loss of a job, illness, moving, natural disasters, etc. — are emotionally stressful situations and can add strain to or even end a marriage. Ideally, these situations would find a couple drawing closer, becoming supportive and comforting each other, but too often the opposite occurs. The couple grows apart in their grief and depression.
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 37. Prioritizing Kids Over Spouse:
You are aware that some marriages went south coz esp mothers focus on the kids and neglect their spouses...
A couple's inability to switch from 'parent' mode to 'couple' mode after kids are born can damage the relationship. When a couple has children, usually the first thing to go is together time. Most parents expend the majority of their energy on the kids, work and home, leaving little time and interest in their spouse. This lack of interest often leads to alienation and can leave one or both spouses feeling alone. Feelings of loneliness and inattentiveness can lead to infidelity, depression and/or frustration causing a demise in the relationship.
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 39. Attitude Over Gratitude:
We know that your attitude determines your altitude. When we feel valued in a relationship, we don't tend to leave. Simple words, like 'thank you,' can have a powerful effect in making a person feel appreciated for his/her unique strengths, talents, and values.
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 40. You Got married too young:
Some people got married to run away from something and had no idea what they were getting themselves into coz of age. By the time you came to terms with what marriage entails you were already a wife but could not take it any more...age here is relative
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 41. Unrealistic Expectations:
People enter relationships with preset beliefs about how they expect their relationship to be. Often, these expectations come from the models they saw in their family of origin or from previous relationships. When expectations are not communicated and therefore not met, huge disappointment can result. Often the person, feeling sad and disappointed, will convey those feelings through passive aggressive behavior which leads to resentment.
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 42. Unresolved Childhood Issues:
We offload our childhood baggage to your spouse and blame him or her for your issues. Understanding your own and your partner's past and how it plays a role can help resolve issues.
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 43. Culture of Instant Gratification:
We live in an on-demand culture that teaches us we should get what we want immediately. In a marriage, this often manifests as each partner putting way more emphasis on their own needs versus the needs of the other. However, if you focus on putting your partner's needs first, you're in a better position to get your needs met (unless you are married to a narcissist).
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 44. Contract Not Covenant:
Marriage is often seen as a contract rather than a covenant. Because of this, people leave out of their own displeasure too early, opting out the way they would out of a business arrangement. A covenant, however, implies a different value set, and a key to keeping marriages intact is to recognize the higher importance of their marriage covenant.
[09:23, 11/7/2019] Love Dee SM: 45. Fear of Pain:
Marriages are at times full of pain and there are people who walk out once they experience some form of pain..not the pain of abuse etc...just the normal challenges.
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